sry for the lateness

Its been a while since ive blogged. Things have been crazy for me lately, and ive been very busy! It was really hard for me when Em left on sunday... or esp. leaving her house on sat. Ive been trying to keep as busy as i can cus i cant stop thinking about her. i love her and  miss her alot and enjoyed the time i got to spend with her while she was here. i know the past few days its ive been lagging but its not intentional whatsoever. i wish i got to make it to skype on time cus i really wanted to have real talk with her but im looking forward to that tomorrow. ive been watching her sleep over skype for the last 2 hours.. shes so beautiful, i just wish i could be laying next to her right now :/ but im starting to fall asleep.. ill have to continue tomorrow. hoope she wakes me up in the morning! 

p.s i can see how much shes trying and putting time aside for me. it makes me so happy!

help

help ease this pain god... i feel empty and so alone. u say u wont give me any burdens i cant handle... i cried out to u every night on my knees, i tried so hard to lead as u called me to.. why couldnt u just bless us why couldnt it have been 50/50? only you knew how many tears have dropped or all the  hurt/pain i went thru. i got so attached i became so reliant on her, now i have nobody to talk to. i know ur a jealous god, i know i put her above u alot of times...i know you give and take away.. but this is so painful.. i need something to happen god.. Im growing weary and i dnt know what to do anymore or how to deal with this hurt in this bitter state. Forgive me for being bitter towards u, please change my heart before it gets hard as stone... im worried for myself.  make me content and satisfied with u and u alone.

How?

" I thought you loved me I thought you cared. Its funny how people can trick you into being someone they aren’t. It really seems to amaze me how much people will lie and continue to hurt you. I’m so heart broken and I’ve never been like this over a boy, except for my dad. I would never let myself get to this point for a reason because I saw what it did to my mom. I’m stronger than this. I should have known. I should have listened to my heart and not let my guard down. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I’m so tired of being hurt"


How did i not love her or care for her? how did i trick her into being someone im not? How am i lying to her and how am i hurting her? What bad signs did she see? All i did was love her and gave her my all. I feel like im the one who not only saw but experience "bad signs" and yet ive always forgiven her and tried to do everything i can in my power to make things work out. Im confused and hurt that somehow it comes back to me as the one at wrong. i Never given any girl the time of day nor did i ever flirt with other people or tell other people i love them or that id dump her for someone else. My life, my thoughts, my goals, my everything was set and based off Emily. 


  Ive tried to be the best leader i can be for her... all i wanted was to feel loved by her and be accepted by her and her family for who i am. i may not come from a ballin family, im behind in school and reaping the mistakes i made in my past but i did everything i can to prove to her that i love her and that id get back to school and finish up. but i guess that isnt enough. I dont have much but i treated her the best i possibly could with what i have. the only signs i showed were signs of love, faithfulness, loyalty, and commitment and now im the bad guy? im the one hurting her? Does she think about my pain? When people make decisions they need to know it affects others.. I did not make this decision to be apart from eachother. but i tried my best and did everything i knew to do to try to keep it. 


So im the one hurting her for the decisions she made? if only u can imagine the pain and feeling of not having any say or any power in this situation. She tells me she gave me her heart and should have kept a wall up? All i wanted was her to want me, to want to spend time with me, to put me above her friends like i have. i put her above everything. i tried to keep a good communication system going but i always got pushed away and asked for space and accused for controling her when all i was doing is looking out for her. i know she will understand where im comming from. if not now, then sooner or later.


So im a bad person for going out with my friends and having a drink here and there every now and then? after she broke up with me and went to parties? is it cus she understands the pain/worries shes put me thru in the past? is it cus ive always been so strong? i never thought a girl would make me fall. Im not proud of being in the state im in right now but im also not happy with the outcome. I never thought it could ever get to this point it frustrates me and hurts me everytime i think about it. i loved her so much and i still do. but i dont understand how this could happen after everything. im bitter and my heart is tired of these painful circles that dont seem to change. no matter how much time and effort i put in. I just dont know what to do anymore.. she says im hurting her for merely calling her out on the things that she does that hurts me. Ive explained and told her the things that really hurts me and yet she continues.. she adds the 3 people i hate must right after we break up.. what does that show me? how is it that im not who she thought i was? when was i not? how was i not? what did i do that didnt show my love for her? im confused and hurt that im being told that im not who i said i was. was i supposed to just sit back and be faithful again like last year? while she went to parties, disrespected me by talking with people i hate or flirting with other guys? shes not who i thought she was. she tells me how much she loves me she tells me how much shes going to change but doesnt show me. actions speak louder than words.


  Yeah im not doing so well right now, yeah im in a wreck.. but why? why did i get to this point? why do u think im in this funk right now? Because i got hurt. very badly and this is similar to what had happened last year. I love her more than anything. EVERY minute of every day i think of her. i cant get her out of my head.. i care so much about her but what do i do right now god? what am i suposed to do. she wants me but doesnt? i want her but cant have her? whats to happen in the long run? esp with her mom not accepting me for who i am. im so confused. what is the meaning behind this if she doesnt want to be with me, if she wants her freedom.. show me love

Poor Ian :(

so last night ian was out late, later that morning he told me he went to alcapocos- some mexican bar/grill,  it was margarita monday he said.. And his phone got stolen (pick-pocketed), fricken succkkss but thats what happens when u go to bean central. o well everything is situated hes just getting a new phone (bb) and wait for Iphone 5 to release.

  I had a usual day today. I woke up, went to class then I had to work in a group for the group project in the library, then went to good ol' work. :/ Work was pretty crazy today, my supervisor thought it would be a good idea to hire an old lady that cant stand for more than 30 minutes. Guess they r pretty desperate right now. So it was hard to train her cus she would repeat everything i said, double checked and took notes lol. shes not mean or anything. Although she was very nosey and a good ass-kisser. probly 60 years old supper hick and always laughed at her own jokes. she was nice tho. So kids were harder to control because the new lady dnt know jack didly.

   After work i went home, took a hour and a half nap and had dinner with my folks.. My mom made some bomb chicken Salad and i ate alot offf it :)  Oh so i get recent news that my mom got a check up, and she asked me to pray for because the doc might have found something and she didnt go in too much detail and said. " everything will be okay, i trust god and he is always faithful!"  i cant stop worrying about it. Ill just have to do the same, trust in god, and pray pray pray. Been wanting to pray with mel about it but our times just dont seem to mesh :(

  I just read her blogg update and i am happy to see shes keeping busy and having fun, growing, going to church. but is getting a bit harder for me to not be able to have much conversation with her durring the day. I couldnt reply when i was out the gym because i guess my brother decided to take my phone charger cus he needs it for his temporry bb phone... ahh he can be so irritating at times.

My Gym sesh as same as usual. Got there a bit late so it was kinda nice having most of the machines open for a change. I did a full body circuit workout and i pretty much died ;p after that i sat in the steam room for about 23 seconds... u should be proud, im getting better! lol so after that i drove home and passed out as soon as i laid down! and of course i would wake up from a bad dream atlike  3:30 in the a.m. :( but im not gonna let it get to me! anyways atleast i finish my post!  i hope i can have deep convo with mel soon, i can really use someone to vent to that really understands me :/ i have been getting a bit lonely, im not gonna lie.. And its weird not having anyone to text anymore. but it is what it is! sleep timeeeeee.

cant sleep.

So while i was typing this post, i fell asleep in bed with my mac on my lap(around 3:30ish?). :/ I had a pretty long day today and spent way too much time at the gym. Got a good workout in tho! Guess i do that when i have a lot on my mind. The time flew by while i was there because I was in deep thought about this hard situation im in with Mel, Good and bad thoughts  flooded my mind and I started to wonder and think of all the things that could possibly happen from this point to when Mel is done with school.. Future problems that could arise,  ups and downs, struggles, temptations, insecurity, pain, worries, jealousy, ect. Or all the different outcomes. But of course there were Good thoughts as well.. like our growth in the lord, the bond and unbreakable connection we would have, the most amazingly good looking kids we would produce ;p , waking up to her beautiful face every morning, the endless amount of cars we can tag up with bobbas, all the laughs, all the smiles, all the support wed have for each other, to be able to hold her in my arms again.. the list goes on and if i was to keep going i wouldnt ever be able to post this.

When i thought about it more and more i started getting depressed and bitter. but remembered the devotional i did today and i was reminded not to fear. I have hope in us. and i needed to give it all to God. So i decided to play worship music as i worked out and i prayed and asked him to give me the strength, comfort, understanding and that he would remove the confusion, troubles, worries, and the doubts that the enemy would use against me. 

After that i felt more at peace. Im so confident that the Lord will bless us in many different ways no matter what the outcome. Im learning to relax more and trust God and to stop fricken worrying about what the future holds.. but to take it one day at a time letting God lead and see where he brings us. He only wants whats best for us so why stress it right? Its crazy how refreshed you can be just by listening to worship music. its like a reminder u know? my night was totally blessed by it and walked out of the  gym with a big smile on my face. Im excited to see Gods will for us unfold day by day.

My other half

As soon as i got in my truck i get a call from Sapp telling me he really needs my help typing up his resume. Hes not much of a computer guy and types using only finger lol. So i was there for a bit helping him put it together and upload it to the website. When i was done he was so stoked and happy i helped him out. It was cool to see how appreciative Sapp was when i didnt do much. but after that i bounced and went home as soon as i got a gnite text from mel. I was really bummed cus i wanted to see her and pray with her really badly. 

When i got home and worked on this post, my mind wandered and i kept wishing i could be skyping her at that moment.. and it escalated to how much i miss her, or how almost everything i do or see reminds me of her. I miss her... a lot. it seems like the Summer we spent together was so so long ago. I miss the scent her hair would leave on my pillows, that comforting feeling i get when she rests her warm hand on top of my heart, eating frozen yogurt together on movie nights, or eating watermelon after our work outs, the tickling battles and wrestling seshes we had,... :/  every time i walk out of the locker room at the gym i still keep thinking and hoping she'll be standing or hiding by the lockers waiting for me. well atleast i dont have to worry about her popping out and scaring me every time i turn a corner... shoot, i guess i miss that too tho :/  

 but anyways thats ,my day.. and part of my tomorrow? or today? kinda weird... ugh i need sleep, lets try this again... hopefully ill see her in my dreams! 

prayers being answered

Today has been such a great day for me! It all started waking up to the most beautiful face in the world via skype. The girl i want to spend the rest of my life with. Once i woke up i was watching her sleep and admiring the work God is doing in her life. The power of prayer is so strong! sometimes it takes longer than expected to see/hear answers but its worth the wait. Gods timing is perfect. as i was watching her i didnt want to get out of bed and i ended up dozing off into sleep! I slept through class and had a late start today. I got ready for work and had the privilege of skyping Mel in class. It brings me so much joy just to be able to see her again like old times. After the skype sesh I had to do my devotionals and just pray and thank God for doing work in both of our lives.  I am so thankful Mel and I found a great way to communicate with eachother and share about whats going on in eachothers life via blogger because were are so busy right now with school and life. Here is the devotional I read before i left my house...

POUR ALL OF YOUR ENERGY Into trusting Me. It is through trust that you stay connected to Me, aware of my Presence. Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith. Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease. Giant steps are another matter altogether: leaping across chasms in semidarkness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the valley of the shadow of death. These feats require sheer concentration, as well as utter commitment to Me.

  Each of My children is a unique blend of temperament, giftedness, and life experiences. Something that is a baby step for you may be a giant step for another person, and vice versa. Only I know the difficulty or ease of each segment of your journey. Beware of trying to impress others by acting as if your giant steps are only baby ones. Do not judge others who hesitate, in trembling fear, before an act that would be easy for you. If each of My children would seek to please Me above all else, fear of others' judgments would vanish, as would attempts to impress others. Focus your attention on the path just ahead of you and on the One who never leaves your side.

This devo blessed me in so many ways. Putting my complete trust in God has always been a struggle for me especially when taking those "Giant" steps. Last night at church we had we guest speaker, and he spoke about "FEAR" and i learned that in order to conquer it, its always going to take that giant step and trust in God. A lot of times it can be scary and hurtful. Fear can be caused by hurtful memories, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of losing control, fear of sickness and death. All of this fear in our life can cause a paralysis in the present so that we cannot do today what God wants us to do. I remember a long time ago back when I first started going to CCBC my teacher told us to write down the fears you are battling with and consciously give them over to God. We need to be bold. Here are some verses that spoke to me...

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

2 Chronicles 20:17 - You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the LORD, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the LORD is with you.” 

Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For YAH, the LORD, is my strength and song; He also has become my salvation.’”

^{Philippians 4:6,7,19  - 6} Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

19 And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 13:5 & 6 - Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” ⁶ So we may boldly say:

“ The LORD is my helper;

   I will not fear.
   What can man do to me?”

So thats my day so far  :) just got back from work, and now im about to head to the gym! ill have another update before i go to bed! oh yeah.. and today i decided to wear my nose ring to work cus the kids begged me to... and this older lady that works with us (lunch lady) was like "OMG I LOVE IT! ive been wanting to get one SO BADLY but my kids say that they would not be happy with me if i got one.. i decided im just going to do it!" haha i actually encouraged her just cus she was so stoked on it.. shes all asking me where a clean sanitary place would be to get it done ect.. its going to look so funny on her.. cant wait to see it ! >:)