sry for the lateness

Its been a while since ive blogged. Things have been crazy for me lately, and ive been very busy! It was really hard for me when Em left on sunday... or esp. leaving her house on sat. Ive been trying to keep as busy as i can cus i cant stop thinking about her. i love her and  miss her alot and enjoyed the time i got to spend with her while she was here. i know the past few days its ive been lagging but its not intentional whatsoever. i wish i got to make it to skype on time cus i really wanted to have real talk with her but im looking forward to that tomorrow. ive been watching her sleep over skype for the last 2 hours.. shes so beautiful, i just wish i could be laying next to her right now :/ but im starting to fall asleep.. ill have to continue tomorrow. hoope she wakes me up in the morning! 

p.s i can see how much shes trying and putting time aside for me. it makes me so happy!

help

help ease this pain god... i feel empty and so alone. u say u wont give me any burdens i cant handle... i cried out to u every night on my knees, i tried so hard to lead as u called me to.. why couldnt u just bless us why couldnt it have been 50/50? only you knew how many tears have dropped or all the  hurt/pain i went thru. i got so attached i became so reliant on her, now i have nobody to talk to. i know ur a jealous god, i know i put her above u alot of times...i know you give and take away.. but this is so painful.. i need something to happen god.. Im growing weary and i dnt know what to do anymore or how to deal with this hurt in this bitter state. Forgive me for being bitter towards u, please change my heart before it gets hard as stone... im worried for myself.  make me content and satisfied with u and u alone.

How?

" I thought you loved me I thought you cared. Its funny how people can trick you into being someone they aren’t. It really seems to amaze me how much people will lie and continue to hurt you. I’m so heart broken and I’ve never been like this over a boy, except for my dad. I would never let myself get to this point for a reason because I saw what it did to my mom. I’m stronger than this. I should have known. I should have listened to my heart and not let my guard down. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I’m so tired of being hurt"


How did i not love her or care for her? how did i trick her into being someone im not? How am i lying to her and how am i hurting her? What bad signs did she see? All i did was love her and gave her my all. I feel like im the one who not only saw but experience "bad signs" and yet ive always forgiven her and tried to do everything i can in my power to make things work out. Im confused and hurt that somehow it comes back to me as the one at wrong. i Never given any girl the time of day nor did i ever flirt with other people or tell other people i love them or that id dump her for someone else. My life, my thoughts, my goals, my everything was set and based off Emily. 


  Ive tried to be the best leader i can be for her... all i wanted was to feel loved by her and be accepted by her and her family for who i am. i may not come from a ballin family, im behind in school and reaping the mistakes i made in my past but i did everything i can to prove to her that i love her and that id get back to school and finish up. but i guess that isnt enough. I dont have much but i treated her the best i possibly could with what i have. the only signs i showed were signs of love, faithfulness, loyalty, and commitment and now im the bad guy? im the one hurting her? Does she think about my pain? When people make decisions they need to know it affects others.. I did not make this decision to be apart from eachother. but i tried my best and did everything i knew to do to try to keep it. 


So im the one hurting her for the decisions she made? if only u can imagine the pain and feeling of not having any say or any power in this situation. She tells me she gave me her heart and should have kept a wall up? All i wanted was her to want me, to want to spend time with me, to put me above her friends like i have. i put her above everything. i tried to keep a good communication system going but i always got pushed away and asked for space and accused for controling her when all i was doing is looking out for her. i know she will understand where im comming from. if not now, then sooner or later.


So im a bad person for going out with my friends and having a drink here and there every now and then? after she broke up with me and went to parties? is it cus she understands the pain/worries shes put me thru in the past? is it cus ive always been so strong? i never thought a girl would make me fall. Im not proud of being in the state im in right now but im also not happy with the outcome. I never thought it could ever get to this point it frustrates me and hurts me everytime i think about it. i loved her so much and i still do. but i dont understand how this could happen after everything. im bitter and my heart is tired of these painful circles that dont seem to change. no matter how much time and effort i put in. I just dont know what to do anymore.. she says im hurting her for merely calling her out on the things that she does that hurts me. Ive explained and told her the things that really hurts me and yet she continues.. she adds the 3 people i hate must right after we break up.. what does that show me? how is it that im not who she thought i was? when was i not? how was i not? what did i do that didnt show my love for her? im confused and hurt that im being told that im not who i said i was. was i supposed to just sit back and be faithful again like last year? while she went to parties, disrespected me by talking with people i hate or flirting with other guys? shes not who i thought she was. she tells me how much she loves me she tells me how much shes going to change but doesnt show me. actions speak louder than words.


  Yeah im not doing so well right now, yeah im in a wreck.. but why? why did i get to this point? why do u think im in this funk right now? Because i got hurt. very badly and this is similar to what had happened last year. I love her more than anything. EVERY minute of every day i think of her. i cant get her out of my head.. i care so much about her but what do i do right now god? what am i suposed to do. she wants me but doesnt? i want her but cant have her? whats to happen in the long run? esp with her mom not accepting me for who i am. im so confused. what is the meaning behind this if she doesnt want to be with me, if she wants her freedom.. show me love